Because the updates on my healing process felt out of place in the last post, and because I am having all the feelings right now, here is an impromptu post on my current mental state. Baking and books will return Monday (hopefully, maybe Monday after next…).
I still have them. I had one Monday. I was walking to the gym, realized I forgot my hairbrush, and just started crying. I came home and cried. I sat at my computer and cried. I scratched my face and cried. A missing hairbrush has no discernable connection to Randall, but for whatever reason it brought back memories and so much self doubt. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe he was right. Maybe I am too private and off-putting. Maybe no one else would put up with me pursuing “extraneous bullshit” like writing, art, and strong friendships. Maybe I’m just not lovable. Maybe I’m just a bad person.
All these thoughts surged to the surface and I felt sad, but also angry. I was angry at myself for not being over it and angry at him for existing at all. Randall walked away without damage. Randall is happy, guilt-free, and living without facing any repercussions for his actions. I got all the damage. It just isn’t fucking fair.
Luckily, I have a strong support system. One friend assured me that, no, it was not my fault. She also said, “Be bitter if you need to. Go ahead. You earned it.” I needed to hear that. I also needed to hear these words from my cousin, which came in response to me beating myself up for being sad:
Sadness never ends, but how you feel is fleeting. That’s why it’s all going to be fucking fine because when you’re sad it doesn’t last forever. When you’re happy, it’s just enough relief from being sad for awhile. It’s normal to be sad sometimes and happy sometimes, and it’s normal to have good and bad weeks. Being sad is inevitable. It’s part of being human. It sucks that he’ll always be in your head a little, but you have to react to it consciously. You didn’t screw up by being sad.
The feelings and thoughts I have on my worst days are fleeting. It sucks all the dicks—really, like, ALL of them! Smorgasbord of dicks right here!—that I will probably be damaged for life because of one shitty person’s shitty behavior. But I would rather acknowledge that. I would rather react consciously, allow the sadness to flow through me, and then move forward.
It’s okay to feel bad, or bitter, or angry, or scared, or jealous, or any other negative emotions as long as you’re aware and in control. Randall was not in control. Randall thought if he was feeling something, he could react however he wanted. Me asking him not to tell me to go fuck myself was met with accusations of me negating his feelings. I may be sad sometimes, but I will never be that. In another conversation with my cousin, regarding another shitty person, I expressed concern about ending up like said shitty person. “You won’t,” she said, “You’ve always been way more grateful and loving to the people around you.”
I still feel sad today, but I guess I feel more comfortable with my sadness. I also feel more certain that, no, it was not my fault. I know this because I am grateful and I am loving and I receive love and gratitude in return. I must not be a terrible person. I must be doing something right. Randall may be happier than me, but he will never be as loved. At least there’s that.